#1 The circumstances of a parent’s arrest are irrelevant – don’t EVER ask 

Asking about why a parent is serving jail time breaks a trust and can make a child feel judged even if that is not your intention.  When talking about family situations, be respectful and always let the child lead the conversation. Focus as much as possible on the child’s emotional experience of not having mom or dad around, don’t worry about the details of what happened. 

#2 All kids need one-on-one attention 

When the family is dealing with a lot at home, regular one-on-one support and attention can become rare.  If a child doesn’t get attention at home, they will look for it at school, and may look for it in a negative way.  Often acting out in the classroom coincides with change at home (a parent is arrested, a parent is released, an expected change in release date).

#3 Stress at home can look like other things (i.e., learning disabilities, ADHD) at school

When there is violence, food insecurity, and traumatic events happening at home a child may come to school unable to focus, hungry, tired.

#4 Whenever possible – talk to the parents 

Don’t assume that the caregiver parent is not concerned or involved. Begin a conversation with a parent from a place of concern and caring for the child and not judgment.

#5 Listen

Most children who have a parent in prison don’t have someone they can talk to about what they are experiencing.  They may be told by family members they will be judged if people know what is going on at home.  Just listening can help kids feel more comfortable.  Remember to keep your personal reaction private. 

#6 Use books 

Feeling isolated is one of the most difficult things for a child of an incarcerated parent. Books in the classroom can be a non-threatening way to let children know they are not alone.

#7 Be careful when making generalizations about Moms or Dads 

Parent-teacher conferences, making family trees, comments like “Is your mom coming to pick you up?” can be painful for children who have lost a parent to prison or jail.  

#8 Remember Different Families Handle Disclosure Differently 

Families often give different stories about where an incarcerated family member is; it’s common to tell a child “Dad’s at work”, “Dad’s at college”, “Mom’s on vacation”.  Some families tell a child that the mom or dad is dead.  Sometimes details are left out because they are painful, or difficult to explain because of the child’s age.

#9 Having a “Right to Pass” Builds Trust

Kids who have experienced trauma are living in a minefield, simple straightforward questions for most children (where’s your mom?  what did you do this weekend?) can be loaded and painful.  Building a ‘right to pass’ into any open discussion helps children feel more comfortable.

#10 Never Speak ill of Mom or Dad

A child may tell you about ways in which a parent has failed them, sometime in ways that are hard to hear.  But no matter how badly that parent has behaved, they are still the child’s mother or father.  Putting mom or dad down, no matter what the circumstances breaks that child’s trust.  Let the child make their own judgments.